Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
