my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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