who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
