That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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