my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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