Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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