Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You can't motorboat a personality
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
