I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
