Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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