??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
