Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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