I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
