Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
