my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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