I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
