Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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