why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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