my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
