im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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