Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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