I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
