You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
