mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
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