And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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