If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
