I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
