You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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