like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
