Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
