i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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