She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
