I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
