I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
