Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
