Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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