i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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