You can't motorboat a personality
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
