i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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