Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
