I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
