I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
