alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
