Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
