I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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