Barsexuality is the new black.
He kissed a someone with a penis
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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