the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
