I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
