I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
