new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
where are you?
Hypothermia
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
