If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
