So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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