I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
